mztrezapocrypha

i got it i got it i got it i got it....

that studio i didn't tell you about... the one i'm in love with in West Seattle. with a bay window for the cat, another window with a view of Seattle... high ceilings, huge space... that i can paint? yep, that's all mine!

i think i get the keys next tues... moving next weekend...

shit i need to pack!!! all i've maanged so far a bookcase and a half, half my dvd's and a box full of shoes and random shit from my closet.... i'm WAYYYYY behind!!!

i'm getting off the computer now to go pack some more stuff!
c

you know... i hate this. 

apparently me moving is just doomed. this is thrice now in a year that i was all ready to go and it didn't happen... roommate backed out on me today. not ready, not right time, not sure about finding a right place... sticker shock mostly i think.

and i know, i know, it could be worse. i'm not homeless. i'm almost completely debt free (well i still have stuff but it's manageable everyday american kinda debt rather than obscene stupidity debt...). i'm not being kicked out. i don't HAVE to move or find a place. i CAN wait. it's not the end of the world.

i wanna hear how much it sucks that my roommate bailed on me 30 days before we intended to move... and two days after driving around and scoping apts and picking up applications... 

i want sympathy damn it... i was so close this time.

good thing yoga was tonight, i left there MUCH calmer than i went in...

wow.... 

so, 3D porn was so much fun but far more terrible than even i expected. though it was funny that one member of our group recognized john holmes penis before we saw his face - i find that ABSOLUTELY priceless! hell, i missed the bit that said he was making an appearance in the film. musta been near the end of his career - it was a TERRIBLE film.

why was the 70's so into 3D? they keep poking things towards the camera to play with the 3D effect... and yes, there was ONE 3D-at-you money shot. just what you needed to know huh?

the other mayhem also went well this weekend. 4 is a lovely number isn't it?

more midnight movies forthcoming, can't believe they got this many movies i want to see coming up. 

apartment hunting has stalled. the one that sounded the best wasn't quite so hot and our second best option that we'd love may not have an opening (we might find out in feb but we might not) cross fingers folks, we need something good... i really REALLY want the hell outta this house!

so i'm a very good human being for helping him not suffer. i still feel like crap. putting a pet to sleep, even one you're not heartbreakingly-attached to is still a crap way to spend an afternoon thinking about. let alone doing. at least it was quick. lot faster than i thought it would be... just gotta tell myself it's for the best.

good kitty.

well, ok, it's not his fault.

he's really old (almost 14yrs) so he's had a great run of it... it's not his fault he's costing me an arm and a leg to find out his kidney's are failing. not that he could have done anything to tell me this or prevent this. it just happens. and i am unfortunately not a nice enough person to bankrupt myself on kidney dialysis for a 14yr old cat... call he horrible.

so i get to go down and say goodbye at 2pm today and let the really nice, new Welsh veternarian kill my cat. and guess what - he's NEVER seeing Nikko! *sigh* yes i know it's not the vets fault, i'm half kidding.

well i think this is a perfect opportunity to get stoned in the middle of the daytime - this falls under an exception to the only at bedtime rule. definately.

that being ignored makes me angry?

course lately the things i want to say i say there on private too... so, apparently i just don't have much i want to share lately? or lots i want to share but can't really because of self-censoring for the audience? not really sure which...

getting nervous about moving... i know i want to. i know i need to. hell i don't wanna stay here. but fuck if moving out & paying for everything again isn't the scariest thing i've thought of lately? food and cable and toilet paper. all these things that magically appear in my life will suddenly be coming out of my check again. *shudders* but upside - my roommate is a kick ass girl who i can't wait to share a place with. we're moving to an amazing part of town (well, provided we can find a 2BR/2BA we can afford in Capital Hill) and my work commute will be either shorter or less aggravating (both of which will be lovely)

things are going beautifully. got to see an amazing movie TWICE this weekend. if you haven't (and still have opportunity) GO SEE PAN'S LABYRINTH!!! it's worth whatever you have to pay for tickets and whatever stupid crappy seats you get... and yes i did get strange not-perfect seats for BOTH showings in the most uncomfortable movie-theater seats i've ever imagined. was still worth it.

might be getting a tattoo on thurs... depends on if there's a free artist around willing to do it. i'm mostly going to just watch but we know me. no willpower, love of pain, love of tattoos & LOTS of tattoos in my head that need to be on my skin. hell i deserve it. i haven't bought myself a massive quantity of books in, oh i dunno, a week? and even then i was only two, that's not massive. *laughs* yes i am justifying this to myself... because i already know i'll do it. 

play has been fun... different. but different is good. i think. lots of strange small bruises about... though the red & black one is unique. i requested another one just like it, we'll see if i get my wish. not really sure where i'm going with this one but hell i've been lonely. plus i really REALLY needed some pain and since the tattoo hasn't happened yet this seemed the best way... like i said, i'm weak-willed. or of weak character. or perhaps just attention-starved in the adjustment period... either way the attention is terrific.

ok off to torment the kitty again... poor thing. he'll be SUPER happy when i get him something to play with so i can stop bugging him. i have that annoying habit of coming home & wanting to play just when he's crawled up on the perch to sleep (self defense - if i let him sleep he wakes up around 1am and bugs the shit outta me!!!!)

a random resolution generator told me that i should resolve to 'generate more bad karma' this year

i like this... kinda fitting, seeing as my year didn't start as optimistically as i had been hoping it would...

not that anyone reads this one anymore (which, maybe, is a good thing)

been to TWO PURECirkus events since i last wrote. i think i want to run away with the cirkus... or at least get lost with them for a while. they're even holding auditions but i alas have no really marketable "cirkus" skills... i don't juggle, i don't fire dance (though that might be cool to learn), i don't stilt-walk and i (FOR NOW!) and not a suspension artists... perhaps after i do my suspension i might get to run away and join the cirkus. that would be lovely...

the scratches on my back are really painful today but in that good way. the hot water hits them and you wince, smile, and wince some more. love that feeling...

j's still trying to hook me up with a friend - c'mon, round of applause please, i'm actually looking to go on a date with someone who's NOT one of my friends. a shiney new person! sorry, this is monumental for me you know... i tend to just date (and sleep with) my friends. it's kinda odd to think about going out to get to know someone, to possibly sleep with someone i don't already know rather well. *laughs* wish me luck and opportunity!

wrapping the last of some presents today... gotta mail a few out on tuesday morning. 

what else? been having alternating spats with the republican. that's been fun. makes for an interesting day. 

Saosin on Tuesday i am SOOOOOO excited... i haven't seen them in forever since i missed the Gorge Warped Tour show by 20 mintes (damn my sleeping in too late) though unfortunately i'm going alone to the show. never fails, none of my friends like the same kinda music (or don't wanna go to this specific show)....

OHHHHH i forgot. Masquerade for New Years Eve. That should be wonderful. i've always wanted to go to one & now i get to. got a really neat mask....this isn't a great picture of it (i'll take one when i shows up in the mail - i think it'd show off more if it was on black) but it's all metal with crystals and the design is kinda cool... i think it'll look really good with my corset and skirt. but, then again, i think EVERYTHING goes well with my corset. perhaps in the mask i won't feel so self conscious about walking around with nothing over my corset top...

ok well gotta go check the jello shots for tonight & finish wrapping some things for my mother.

dual meanings today for that one...

sick of tracking stupid down to collect money from him. which he finally dropped some off friday. less than he needed to and first time in three months he's bothered to do so. what an ass. and he doesn't even seem apologetic that he lies to me constantly about this. i keep thinking i'm going to call him & try to get it through his drug-muddled thick skull that when he shorts me the $170 bucks every month it IS detrimental to me. not like he gives a shit. and it was just SOOOOO lovely to run into him on friday - i hope what A said is true. i hope all those thoughts are now going through his head... so yeah, sick & tired of Adam.

i'm also sick and tired. sneezing, stuffy & not quite all inside my head. and i'm not even on Sudafed at the moment. i blame my work for this one. i might not have caught a cold this year if the heat at my work was appropriate. but no, constantly freezing, not much warmer than outside. since my body's been freaking out over being cold and tired all the time it couldn't fight this one off - whereas if they'd keep the heat at the 70 degrees so that no one is cold at their desks then i might not be having this problem. cause really - some days i'm wearing two shirts, two pairs of socks, my ski jacket, my scarf and TYPING IN MY GLOVES!!! that should be a HUGE clue that it's cold, wouldn't you think?

so yes... i'm off to be miserable offline. i really hate being sick.

last night was great though... it was fun to be out & see friends and such - slight disappointment to be remedied next Sat too. PLUS apparently someone's friend was asking all about me... which is kinda really cool. i love the attention - perhaps it was the corset?

that was the name of the event i attended last night... it was for performances of the three most local suspension groups (Seattle, Portland & Vancouver)

assaulted upon standing in line by all manners of freaks, geeks, costumes, gore, actors & performers.... 
and walked into what they described as hell...

huge metal circle in the center of the room, man suspended by two hooks in his back and smaller lines all around the circle through his arms and legs... then they cut those lines and let him swing and gyrate - the absolute look of exhilaration on his face was beautiful....
at the same time on a side stage a small girl was pierced through both of her sides by pitchfork-like-things and LIFTED off the ground by the men...

fire-dancers and sword dancers and circus clowns and performers followed...

and the secondary group possessed the stage.... a bit more on the disgusting side. freakish events on mainstage. but a beautiful girl with long thin metal rods through her body, hooked to a metal stand behind her... awoke, gave her performance, ending by her walking her body off of the rods. stunning...

back to center-stage. dual suspension of a man hanging by his back and hooks in his front attached to the girl he'd be lifting as well... and as they rose she stretches into the most beautiful sight... swaying and arcing her back... 

third group rather anticlimactic... very artsy. bit from hellraiser. it was pretty but took forever to set up... but it was an asymmetrical suspension - hooks everywhere... on on his chest, one on his leg, one on his neck, forearms, somewhere damned near the groin (couldn't see that bit) and many in his back... i realize most of the suspension was on the ones in his back but it was a beautiful and amazing sight to see him hanging in such a manner... but it only lasted a few moments...

ending... centerstage a man is dangling from hooks in his knees... the main piercer is on the ground with hooks in her knees as well.... battled through pain (it did look for a second like she wasn't going to be able to handle it and get off the ground)... and watched as her face changed, she stopped screaming and they hoisted her in the air... and all pain disappeared from her face. she looked just like she was hanging from her knees on a trapeze upside-down as opposed to being held by hooks...
and they gave them limbs and let them go to town in a battle... swinging, thrashing, attacking each others...
exhilaration on her face... i am awed. an absolutely stunning transformation... and when they lowered the boy back down, she cried for more and swung about and thrashed a bit more before she'd let them put her down... 

a part of me really wants to do this...

kitten's not such a kitten anymore - the beast weighs in at almost 10lbs... like 9.5. DAMN. 

condo search going slow but well - kinda trying to shift the focus back to seattle. i think it'll be easier to find an older 1br in seattle for less than what i'm finding 1br in bellevue to renton area. besides, i prefer older buildings with character. now, to convince my parents that it's ok to buy a condo in a building that's 100 yrs old... yes, how do i do that?

decided to splurge and buy myself some things this paycheck... and it turned out splendidly. i found a black and white striped shirt FINALLY. i've been half-heartedly looking for one for at least two years. something that was comfortable, thin enough to wear under other shirts, preferrably soft (yes i do buy clothing based on texture!), long sleeved obviously and attractive if worn by itself. obviously this was the downfall - finding something that fits all these categories. but yesterday i did just that. viola! thank you universe for finally placing this one in my path. i promise to be nice to the bellevue drivers for at least a week - i won't even yell nasty things at them from inside my car when they try to kill me...

other splurged item will be here mon or tues & i'll have to call in late to pick it up at the post office (ala corset anyone?) but who cares? my work thinks i'm gods-gift to them and believe i hung the moon (or if i didn't i can figure out how it was done and how to tweak it to their liking)... not like i have to feel guilty even, just means one less hour of OT on that check. wow. darn. down to 7 hrs OT instead of my typical 8. how tragic! 

been talking to an ex a bit lately - very odd. usually i'm still attracted to my ex's but for some reason this one isn't sparking any desire in me. other than a sociable one to hang out & chat. weird, cause he's still cute and all. guess maybe i'm trying to even my karma for having such spite for Adam - making friends with a different ex to make up for it?

13 days. excellent. can't wait.

only other thing to report is a strange social anxiety lately. i've been making plans with people & cancelling, refusing to go out to things i said i would... kinda weird. more so than my usual antisocial behavior, which is typically marked by me NOT agreeing to go to anything. but yeah, i get bored, arrange something, then bail. perhaps it's the weather?

i've been meaning for ages to pick up Persepolis and i keep shifting it to the bottom of the purchase list when i'm at Eliott Bay. I did finally buy it AND read it immediately. it was amazing to get an inside look into a culture and a country i know next to nothing about - and her ability to capture her child-like self in both her writing and her drawing was wonderful.

highly recommend this book!

i love this cat. i waited four years to find an orange, med-long haired kitten...

that being said i'm about to throw the little shit out in the street.

was i pissed that he got sick & cost me 235 bucks at the vet? not really... am i pissed by the fact that the little shit hasn't let me sleep more than three hours at a time for the last two weeks at least? well, a little... i discovered today that he chewed through the cord for the blinds in my room. which means i owe my mother however much it costs to replace the blinds. which, since it's not a standard windown size, is going to be fucking expensive. thank you nikko. and then when i try to get him off the window so i can see the damage he just wreaked, he bit me. not like playful nibble - i'm fucking bleeding from the two holes he just put in my hand...

and i'm thinking for the next few nights he might just benefit from sleeping in the fucking travel carrier. and that just makes me feel like a horrible, abusive person....

so apparently, i cannot keep plants alive, i am not cut out for child-rearing, i'm failing at cat-rearing too because he's an uncontrolable, vicious, destructive little shit....

and i now realize WHY it is i've skipped this event EVERY OTHER YEAR OF MY LIFE!!!!!

too many people, expensive parking, parking lots you can't get out of for an hour after the show... walking, walking, walking... and TONS OF THOSE CHILDREN I HATE!

that being said, erin's friends band was kinda cool & i bought the EP while i was there. there's another show this month that i'll go to as well.
Yellowcard was fun, if annoying due to all the kids...

afi was great, until i got stuck in barbie-doll hell. why is that when bands branch out the radios pick up the album and suddenly everything and their mother thinks it's cool? i was surrounded by pretty girls in too much makeup and jewelry, bitching it was too hot in the pit, too crowded and people kept stepping on their sandal-clad toes. who wears sandals to a rock concert AND goes in the pit???? i could see the pit from where i was stuck, could see the actual movement and such of the real AFI fans and the punk fans... but i couldn't get to them.

but overall, despite it's drawbacks, i had a great time and got to hang with Erin all day long. i really enjoy her company. and i made her promise to call me when she's going to shows because i need to get out of my house more often and see music, i miss seeing live music.

now what to do with myself for the rest of the two days of this weekend?????

go see it! it did not disappoint in my opinion...

so it's killing me not being able to call or text... but i said i wouldn't so i'm trying really REALLY hard.

so i'm sure that i'm going to hell for my reaction to both of these events - one hit me quite a bit harder than the other. you can guess which one...

he flew far away this week, to fly even farther next week... sad courtney.

my grandfather died. tuesday. conveniently the same day the above happened.

what the HELL is going to happen for my third bad event?????

so i'm becoming more and more irritated with all these get-to-know people websites...

wanting to get to know someone better is one thing - constantly messaging someone is pathetic and desperate. if i wanted someone to glob onto me like i was a life-preserver i'd go swimming or something. sheesh. quit pouncing on me everytime i go online!!!!!!!!!!!!!

grrrr

oh and did i mention that myspace killed my livejournal?? :)

Thank you everyone!

Seriously, last year the only people who remembered ON my birthday were my parents, Ollie & my EXboyfriend... not that the gathering that weekend wasn't amazing (especially my 4 lovely boys in eyeliner - so fucking hot)

this year you all made me feel so very very loved - Thursday was filled with people calling & texting me... a few voicemails of singing... AND you all came out to see me Friday (and dressed sexy for me or wore eyeliner for me)... or myspace tagged me... or beat me senseless...or emailed me...

really - i had the most AMAZING birthday in a very long time. and i love you all very much for that. 26 is looking like it just might be the best year so far!

damn... haven't been here in a while. not that anyone reads this anyway... and if you do, you deserve what you get.

things had been going great between the ex & i... he's been paying me on-time, he's been trying to get me to sleep with him (which is kinda flattering in a no-chance-in-hell-i'm-going-to-be-that-stupid-ever-EVER-again kinda way)... he hasn't made me track him down or call his house repeatedly to find out where the money is in ages.

then theres today. and we are suddenly reminded that taking the alcohol & drugs away from an addict just makes him more of an asshole, not less.

called him. he answered. said he just walked in the door & that he'd bring it over in a little bit. that was 12 HOURS ago & he won't answer the phone now. go figure. stupid jerk. but that's fine. wanna know his punishment for being a lying piece of shit? from now on i'm sending my father to his house every other Sat around noon - and woebetide the boy who doesn't have money for my father. let him weasel his way out of my fathers dead-pan you-fucked-up look.

shoulda taken his ass to court.. hell of a lot easier than putting up with this crap.

and i'm about to pull a kim on someone... absolutely fed up with this.

and this is what happened before the thai food took me down yesterday.... isn't he cute? rumor has it (or my begging and pleading that is) that i get a black one with green eyes maybe for my birthday. Erin rocks!

wow... if i didn't know better (and, really i don't) i'd think my work was trying to find my breaking point. and they found it today...

after dumping the insurance from hell on me when the last girl quit (and it's a MESS and it's complicated & i know nothing about how it works) on last Friday... making me move desks & inherit someone's desk who had a post-it usage that's OBSCENE...

after all that they make us work OT for the last two days to work a government department project(read: different rules, allowables, payment methods, billing methods, forms, etc - NOTHING LIKE PRIVATE INSURANCE)... dumped 4 inches of EOB's on my desk from the government department...

then drop 4 inches of PRIVATE INSURANCE EOB's on my desk & ask me why i didn't remember that I'm getting to do EVERYONE elses EOBS (um, then why do we even have types if i'm getting all the EOBs & working them & calling on them - isn't that what everyone having their own insurances means?!?!?!)...

then tell me today that the goverment department shit is due tomorrow... i haven't started, haven't a CLUE what the fuck i'm doing with it... and that it's okay to leave the mess of PHS (which is what i inherited) alone to grow & spawn on my desk because we have to do some other departments work instead of ours....

yeah. so i'm overwhelmed from going from an empty/caught up desk with an aging of 30 insurance that i understand to an overflowing, don't-quite-know-what-all-this-is on my desk and an aging that i haven't TOUCHED much less comprehend... to a project i don't get... to OT that made me get up early two days in a row (and now, OT is not authorized yet by back east so we can't come in early anymore)....

they actually had me in tears twice - once yesterday & once today. i TOLD my boss i was overloaded & overwhelmed & had no idea what i'm doing... and she nodded & said uh huh.... fucking active listening...

first time in 9 months that i HATE my job... hope it goes away.

grrr... told them to hell with it today & went home at 4pm. told my boss i was overwhelmed, overburdened & that i NEEDED to go home or i was going to have a melt down. bye. see you tomorrow.

christs-sake, two minutes in the door, two annoying answering machine messages from a cousin i barely (about a dying relative we barely know) and i'm getting yelled at... for fucks sake. what the hell do i have to do with this? shit i was even good, cleaned the kitchen & my bathroom and i STILL get bitched/sniped at from moment one in the door...

ever want to be an orphan? i do... lately a lot...

so i almost - ALMOST - made it through the entire Sandman series in the last 24 hours... got a bit distracted by sleep & stuff today... and i suppose, being only on book 7 i could still finish tonight...

OT at work again... that will be nice.

life has been remarkably quiet and peaceful lately...

tried to move, that didn't work out so well... i'll wait for something less icky than what i could afford right now. only a little longer... hopefully... need a nice person to move in with i swear!

work decided they love me enough to give me the hellish project insurance when the girl quit monday... so happy courtney, gets to clean up two years of someone else's slacking. 's cool though, i'm gonna get that promotion soon... did get a bigger desk as of today. er, make that bigger cubicle. i am, afterall, a cubicle monkey.

saw Hostel (awesome, nice effects, R rated!) and King Kong (good except the bug scene)... 's been nice to go out and DO something rather than sit at home or on a couch somewhere... AND after Hostel it was pouring outside... got to stand in the rain & get drenched. it was lovely.

still trouble sleeping... maybe my body's just slowing committing suicide by depriving me of sleep...

flirting with girls is getting to be lots of fun... still haven't figured out why i always get hit on by couples... a strange strange phenomenon.

more later... tired of writing

got to go to trinity for free friday - that was kinda cool... scott was spinning again (with a dj d knew) so wandered there for a bit... unfortunately, due to having to work early all week AND not sleeping AND going out thurs to wish liz a happy goodbye i was so damned exhausted i think i was hallucinating... so we gave up kinda early, like 1230ish... kinda feel bad about that but an hour & half of dancing should be an okay thing... wandered back home, play, sleep... slept 8 hours straight for the first time in over a week. it was heaven.

came to the realization that since sleeping pills don't work i'm going to have to try something new... which, after doing so, i can't believe i didn't do this sooner. ahhhh, bliss. slept from 6pm last night until 130am... then, got up to repeat the process (to find my mother was still up and i had no good excuse to be going to my car at 130am) so figured out how to do this in my room (thank gods for incense and really scentful candles)... and slept from 130am til about 1030 this morning... 16 hours of consecutive sleep. i feel so so so much better.... the dark black/purple circles under my eyes have returned to their slightly red/purple so things are MUCH better...

cartoons tonight... perhaps a trip to the market today but it's getting late & not sure if i quite wanna get dressed yet.

amazing how wonderful your life can seem once you get a little bit of sleep....

so had a great time tonight at Element. friend/dj scott playing... got guest listed for free. took colleen (she loves to dance) and Lis cause i haven't seen her in ages and ages... also got a smile & nod from dj =)

i even danced! that never happens. he was a pretty good dj though the crowd was interesting... lots people who couldn't dance (yes, me, the non-dancer who admits i suck can at least always stay on beat)...

wasn't going to go because the corset pissed me off. but i'm glad i did. had a really good time. now i'm exhausted and my feet hurt... off to bed i go.

so i ran to get it early this morning... raced home... and it's beautiful. well-made, gorgeous look... feels wonderful... managed to get a back-lacing corset on me by myself...

to discover it's too big?!?!?!

measured my waist 5 times before ordering... they say to go 2-4 inches less than waist - i went 4... and what did i get?

sits nicely at my waist... i have to inhale & push my belly out to even feel the boning
it's laced as tight as it can go in back (you're supposed to have 2 inch gap or so) and the top in the front is so loose that i think my tits would fall out if you looked at them right...it sits so low it's indecent even in corsetry... there's room for 4 hands between my back & the back top of the corset...

so it would be perfect - if i was 40 pounds heavier with larger tits... and if i lose any weight it makes this purchase useless cause it's too big NOW...

so i pay to ship it express back to scotland, pay for them to ship me the replacement... cause they'll exchange for sizes... but, seeing as it took them 4 months to get me the first i think it'll take them 4 months to get the replacement. which means, all things considered, i'll have a corset that fits by my birthday...

i wanted this so bad... and now all i want to do is cry

so i got home tonight, went to get the newspaper and found a slip for registered mail in my door... which means my corset is sitting at the post office to be picked up tomorrow 830am...

and called couple of people and no one answered, no one replied for hours... kinda sucks to have something really great to share and no one around...

i'm picking it up asap tomorrow morning AND i'm gonna figure out some way to get into it myself if it kills me....

this is getting ridiculous... i'm going to see 5 am again for the third night in a row. and before that it was 430... the sleeping pills don't even touch this so i'm not even going to bother...

i wish i could go to a dr and ask why this is going on? my life is calm, job is great, home is wonderful compared to what it was... nothing should be causing this. and i'm really afraid to ASK for sleeping pills. cause that's drug seeking, or at least feels like it. cause i'd have to tell them i've taken ambien before and even after months of not taking it, 2 pills doesn't touch me. i'm not addicted to the pills i just want to sleep. if feels so NICE to wake up from a full nights sleep....

so i got an email from the stupid corset folks on the 15th stating 'congrats your order left our warehouse today' to which i replied WHY did another one leave when someone said it shipped 20 days prior? where is my tracking number?

got a response yesterday... a 'sorry so late to reply - do you have your corset yet?' do i have my corset yet????WTF!!!! no i don't have the damned corset yet. i don't think you ever sent it you asshole. how could i have something you never sent? where's my tracking number bitch! still no response...

too bad for them: already having bank work on paperwork to reverse the charges. fuck them. if it ever shows up i might consider letting them charge my card. until them i want my damned money back.

i love corsets. absolutely love them. i've been eagerly, impatiently, angrily waiting for this thing since ordering AUG 29th. i'm so sick of this i doubt i'll even keep it if it does show up. i'll probably leave it in the damned box for several weeks deciding if it's not tainted by this horrible experience. all i wanted was my beautiful corset that i could wear and wear and rearrange organs to my hearts content with. but no. no we couldn't dare arrive on time. nah. i know it's just a piece of clothing. i know it's not something i can wear EVERY day to work or anything (not that i wouldn't probably wear it underneath tee shirts to work anyway) but i really wanted it. i was so damned happy and excited when i shelled out that HUGE sum of cash to get it made. and they've ruined it. i think the last time i was this unhappy about something material was when my ex-dog ate my keepsake from my ireland summer. and i cried then. i haven't cried yet cause the anger is still there... but i want to.

so this very moment they took away the ash trays at Beths... stupid law

went in tonight for the last-smoking eveing... everyone and their mother seemed to have the same idea. the smoke was a thick haze... i'm talking eyes burning, back of throat burning haze. music blaring, everyone talking shit about the stupid smoking ban. i feel so sorry for smokers. and beth's won't be the same now. i'll still go cause the staff is amazing & the coffee is my favorite (i dont' care if it is shit coffee) and the drawings are cool but the smoking atmosphere was part of the charm.... and now the employees will be crankier cause they can't smoke. the patrons will be crankier or more normal-non-smoking people will be there... and my food will taste different due to lack of smoke. it's just weird.

not that i'll mind not smelling like shit when i come home - and boy did i REEK when i finally could smell it. HAD to shower & leave my clothes in the garage to air out.

still sad - wonder what they'll ban next: drinking in public places?

and, other than that it was a wonderful wonderful evening....

so i must have the best sense of timing in the world... i picked today of all days to have a floating holiday from work. so, i'm sitting here, starting out the window at the pretty white stuff & getting paid to NOT drive to bellevue in this stuff. perfect. it was so beautiful on my drive home last night... i love that not-quite-silence of falling snow, the slight hissing noise as it falls & muffles all other sound.

no snow! so sad... i wanted to wake up this morning & fight my way to work in soft falling snow... just not meant to be.

so this whole myspace thing is very very odd... i keep getting friend request from people how seem interesting. then they get all weird and creepy... more than the usual creepy. i am a flirt. i admit this with no shame. but when i tell you i just want to be friends, when i tell you that i'm not going to take this farther than some mild flirtation, why do you have to continue being horrid and hitting on me? and in such a poor manner! bleh. if it wasn't for the few new friends i've made who are actually cool as fuck i'd just stop logging into that place...

and what makes my myspace attempts even funnier is that SG is a porn site & the people from there are cool as hell and not creepy. and i still just don't get why they're better than the other site... maybe it's just they had to pay to join. maybe that's it.

and tonight i'm feeling very discontent.... very lonely. sitting here for the second night in a row, at the computer, typing away... craving attention like mad and no one here to give it to me....

i should sleep. that's a novel idea. haven't done much of that in the last two days... damned insomnia.

absolutely amazing show - as usual.

they played a bunch of great songs - they played i can tell & nobody around me knew it. i felt sorry for everyone else, they must have been there only to see avenged sevenfold? it was a KISW show so the crowd was older AND showbox only let saosin play for 1/2 hour. made no sense they were the 3rd of 4 bands - should have gotten an hour. and they ended the show at midnight instead of 1am for noise curfew on sat... which confuses me. but saosin was great....

got to chat for a second or two with chris. absolutely amazing. didn't see cove or justin anywhere... sad courtney. really really wanted to meet them. but that's okay. went all fan girl & bought tee shirt. can't wait for them to come back to town... hopefully soon.

upcoming show notes - from first to last again at el corazon. that's gonna be a great show. goal for that show: meet matt. somehow, someway. inmemory playing at studio7, can't get tickets except at door. gonna get off work early to try to catch them - didn't think they existed anymore. MCR coming to town with circa survive (new band of saosin's ex singer)... if it wasn't 20 bucks plus fees i'd go. not worth that much money though - seen MCR 3 times.

so i liked it. there was very little magic but it was good. i do love how the movies get darker and darker each one just like the books. though i didn't really care for how they directed dumbledore this time - very scared & frantic & skittish. there was a lot more comedic relief than i expected...overall i like this one the best but that's because i liked the books that way. each more than the last...

went with a new friend to the movie last night... and he managed to get his car LOCKED in the garage he parked in... movie got out 230, got to car 245, garage closed at 230. freezing ass cold downtown seattle, kinda breezy, locked with no way into the car til 6am.

i will never again make fun of anyone for saying it's cold up here... if i hadn't brought my jacket i woulda been blue...so a hour & a half later the guy still has no real good ideas as to how to get home. no calls to friends to pick us up, no thoughts of a cab. and i tell him i might be able to get us a ride to my place & i can drive him to HIS place but i can't get him back up at 6am to get his car. so he says he doesn't mind if i get a ride home, that he wouldn't blame me. so... call andy, no answer. damnit - still in the movie? luckily jason was awake and willing to pick up my pathetic ass off the street corner of 6th & Pike.

note to self: no longer accept rides from ANYONE... that totally sucked last night

got my desk & cubicle at work... so happy. i have two and a half walls and it's perfect. my own space, bigger desk... near my coworkers if i want to be (closer to the lunch room & bathrooms & front door) i can see out the front windows if i look in that direction over the walls...

just feels wonderful to have my own space at work. but i'm paranoid as all hell. EVERY single time i've brought in personal stuff to make my desk more home-y (pictures of friends/loved ones) i lose my job or quit because it immediately becomes miserable. so i'm afraid. afraid to bring in pictures or anything that would make it feel like mine... i don't want to lose this job. not that i'm in any pending danger of doing so (my boss flat out today said i wasn't allowed to leave - EVER)...

corset still not here. still. it's been 11 damned weeks since i ordered it (they say up to 6 weeks to receive) and 5 of those weeks since they 'claimed' to have shipped it. a week and a half since my last contact with them, status 'tracking package, get back to you soon with status' and now no word. so i'm getting up ass early for me & CALLING SCOTLAND to find out where the hell it is. i paid for it up front (and it wasn't cheap!) and they managed to charge my card withing 24 hours. now they can't be bothered to answer my emails as to why it's taken TWICE as long to get me something that expensive? i'm through being nice customer just asking as a heads up. now i'm pissed off angry customer who wants her product or her damned money back ASAP. grrr... and i have to spend another 10-20 bucks to CALL them???? so so so so so NOT ok.

grrr... off to bed. sleep.

was even better than the first.

she met up with us downtown... she made me dance! lots of dancing... mmmm, lots of kissing too. i had SO much fun tonight...

almost asked if i could go home with her... but, alas, tara got a bit too drunk & had to be driven home rather than me ditching my friends for this lovely amazing girl... did i mention hot? i'm sure i mentioned hot... grrr, now i have to go to bed, alone. sigh.

at this rate i'm not sure what will occur on the third date!

squee....

i have that fluttery butterfly feeling. just got home from my first date with Lisette... and i'm all giddy and happy and wow. she was SO much fun to hang out with... and she made me blush Tons! AND i get a second date tomorrow night... with promises of a less chaste goodnight kiss... that was so much fun....

so, par for course, i'm absolutely nervous about my date tonight... what if she doesn't like me? what if what if what if....

ack..... 's been so long since i've gone on a date with a stranger. and what does that say about me? that i tend to date friends who i'm already comfortable with...

so, coffee at starbucks and awkward conversations getting-to-know-you kinda chit chat... here i come.

OH OH OH OH OH i get my desk/cubicle on monday evening! our whole department is moving that night.... finally i'm a cubicle monkey with my own walls and desk and can put pictures up and everything... who'd have thought i'd be happy to get that.

parents came back... brought some cool stuff with them. they're being not so annoying... we shall see

wow... so this is what happens when you wake up early. you get online and change things...

rents called today from Germany: having a blast, don't want to come home. good. don't come home. move to germany and give me the house.
i'll ship the dog to you. sell the white cat. move my poor baby in from the garage to enjoy his last few years. last 7 days without them around.

still no corset. not okay with that. supposively, per her email @ 1045am yesteday (that's what, 545pm their time) she was tracking right now and will tell me shortly where the damn thing is. however it's tomorrow already and no tracking. i expect to hear from her round tuesday i suppose.

wow it's way too damned early to be up....

so my newest favorite site on the net SG has had to censor their content in lieu of the newest Bush Witch Hunt.

Apparently images depicting bestiality, urination, defication, blood play, bondage, sadism or masochism are offensive and PROSECUTIBLE. They now have FBI agents surfing porn sites, trakcing down the horrible CONSENTING adults posting such pictures and wasting our governments money to prosecute these people.

None of us should have to suffer for the asshole-in-White House's religious or moral objections to our pornography. So long as the people taking the pictures are of LEGAL AGE to do so then it's none of his damned business if I find them hot and look at them.

It may seem like a small thing that won't even impact your life. When I heard about this several weeks ago I thought so too. Then, a picture I found beautiful disappeared from SG - in fact the whole set did - because they are pre-empting any government prosecution by removing what the FBI might find objectionable. Not that I blame them - I wouldn't want to risk being shut down because the jerks in the White House don't agree with my taste in porn.

There are many many places you can contact your senators and representatives (hell EVEN THE PRESIDENT) to let them know this is not okay. Take the two minutes to at least send Bush a message - let him know you think he's overstepped. You never know, the next witch hunt may involve something that affects you even in the smallest manner.

Send Message to Government: http://www.congress.org/congressorg/dbq/officials/

so i hate doing this... i mean i don't but i do. having parties freaks me out for some odd reason. i'm just paranoid as all hell... and i'm not even stoned! oh well...

costume is WAY WAY WAY WAY too short... you can see my ass when i stand. so short... oh well...

this should be interesting.... very very interesting. i need jello shots. that'll help. yeah.

sleep deprivation kicks in again... why is it when you need sleep so badly, when you look in the mirror and look like someone punched you in the eyes the circles are so black & blue, when your whole body refuses to move faster than a crawl your MIND rebels and refuses to just GO TO SLEEP.

but no OT mandatory this week at all. in fact i've been personally 'highly recommended' to NOT do OT this week... i think my boss is worried i'll burn out (which, if they keep throwing impossible deadlines that i can't come close to meeting, i just might) but i only have a 4 day week cause Friday & Monday are V A C A T I O N time for me. no work, sleep in.... ohh and supposively i get a desk tomorrow when we get there (yeah, i'll believe that when i see our IT lady moving my tower)

feeling much better this week though. less restless, less malcontent. definately better.

they leave in 7 days.... empty house, no dog, peace and quiet (until i fill it up with my friends & parties)... just think, in 7 days i can come home from work, strip on my way down the hall & spend all night naked if i want to... ahhh, bliss...

hmmm... wonder which day i should throw the party. probably sat. thinking costume party. haven't had one of those in FOREVER. maybe - we'll just have to see....

and last but definately least, happy birthday to the ex. and i did, of course, use this as an opportunity to call to ONCE AGAIN remind him he owes me money. i did wish him a happy birthday in the message & i DIDN"T leave the part about money on the voicemail. but, when he does call this evening, i'm going to have to remind him. because the last money i saw outta him was on MY birthday 5 months ago and that's just NOT okay.

oh oh and forgot: SAOSIN coming to town Nov 18. got my ticket. i'm officially a damned groupie - this'll be 3rd show of theirs in 1 year. so in love with that band... i really should grow up and grow out of this phase... just doesn't seem like it's going to happen.

c'mon sleeping pills... kick the fuck in i need to sleep....not that haunted & drawn doesn't look good on me but i'd prefer not to look so strung out and exhausted. not good at work you know.

stupid boy.

he calls ME last month. lets me know that yes, he is finally gainfully employed. wants coffee. go to coffee. be all awkward and weird, he's talking about his most recent ex (i've been downgraded!) and acting like we're just friends who didn't spend two years sleeping together. yeah. whatever. promises taht he can't pay what he was but WILL be paying. and soon.

flash forward - two weeks. call to check up on the money thing. he's been sick. will get his check in two days. should hear from him.

flash forward - two more weeks. STILL HAVE NOT HEARD FROM HIM. left messages with his brother, doubt he got them. left a message with his grandmotehr. he did call that one back - left a message that he'd call after work. and still no call. and i can't give him my new cell number because that would defeat the purpose (i got the new phone number so he COULDN"T call me at any point)....

so once again, stuck in limbo. if i thought it would help i'd threaten the lawyer but it won't help.... and i have seriously lowered my expectations for him. he was paying 300/month, the Promisary Note says he'll pay 300 every TWO weeks. i am willing to take 100 month. that'll cover my gas to and from work each month. that will make me feel less like he's jerking me around or skipping out on his obligations (again!). but still no fucking call....

so score one for me: shonn & melody ARE nice people. and it wasn't even that traumatic to hang out with them last night (though it was in a public, crowded place with little room for awkward silence)... now, tomorrow will be the true test. hanging out & movie night at their house - get to know you kinda thing... now we shall see if our protagonist actually lacks social skills needed to establish new friendships or if she's just full of shit and scared.

second round of new friend seeking failed miserably... he seemed really nice & turned out to be very very moody needy psychotic type person... yeah, just what i need. another one of those in my life. i mean really, aren't I enough to deal with - not to say the least of my current friends (who all know & admit to being just as crazy/moody/morose as me)

and at this point i suppose i should note - i don't dislike any of my current friends. i realize upon looking and reading my recent rants about friends that it seems i despise my friends and want all new ones. not that i'm sure anyone reads this (maybe just to prove to myself by typing it down) : i don't mean to leave my current friends. we just all currently fit into one group that's rather click-ish and insular. we don't like new people. we like to do the same things over and over and over for the last 6 years or so. NOT that that's bad but fresh blood is good once in a while... so if you do read this any of you i do still love you & don't intend on never speaking to you again. i just think that i'm isolating myself in a place i'm comfortable. and i'll get stuck here. and that's not good for me so i'm challenging myself to meet new people.

so upon further reflection this whole making new friends thing is working out okay... though i'm still hesitant to meet them in person. i have that whole phobia bred in from my original AOL days... that the person on the other end is a crazy, icky ax murderer type and you really shouldn't meet them. BUT my first foray have turned out okay. Shonn & melody are really really sweet people. so maybe the next one will turn out okay. because i need to make friends in different areas of my life. because i can't sit here forever and be little miss anti-social. it's not good for my depression, it's not good for my mood and its just not any fun.

so that being said, why am i still petrified to do this?? what is it that is miswired in my head that makes me think new people are bad & wrong and not something i'm supposed to expose myself to? am i really the only one who has these problems or am i one of many who just can't make friends - i'm completely socially inept. i lack the skills basic to doing so i think....

bleh. see this is what happens when you spend an evening with a migraine from hell - you get all introspective and shit.

and i'm beginning to regret my borrowing... i mean i don't but i do but i don't and that won't make any sense. it doesn't make sense to me. i don't have the willpower to stop and i don't really want to and at the same time i'm just going to regret this later. stupid girl. stupid stupid girl.

no more...